I have been in a relationship for going on four years now and we’ve definitely had our share of ups and downs. Days that were amazing and others where I felt like yelling “This is Sparta!” and kicking his stubborn self down a flight of stairs (&& I am sure he has felt the same way about me). Neither one of us are perfect and we’ve had to work constantly through our issues, together…but the great thing about it is we fuss, we fight, we talk, we learn…and we get through it TOGETHER. I will never pretend to have the knowledge or know how of a couple who has been married since Michael Jackson was black…but to all of my new couples or people looking for the “One” I thought I’d give you some tidbits, I’ve learned since falling in love with my best friend…
Speed Bumps On The Road To Relationship Success
I chose to start with this topic because it will trickle into every aspect that we will discuss today. We’ve all seen the movies and TV shows of couples who lack good communication skills. The only difference is in the movies they normally end with the “Happily Ever After” couple walking off screen, hand in hand, to start their forever perfect life together. The reality of this situation is that between 40% to 50% of all REAL LIFE marriages end in divorce…for many reasons. Communication is a big one. But why? I talk, you listen. You talk, I listen. We come to an agreement. Sounds easy enough right? WRONG! One of the things I’ve learned is everyone communicates differently…and until you understand that, you will surely be in for some hard times.
**For example: I am a talker. I talk a lot and I express myself along with my point of view very well. So when me and Chris have a disagreement I am all EMOTION, HAND MOVEMENTS, and EXPLANATIONS…Like…
Are you tired of people interfering with your relationship? Annoyed by your girlfriends nosey/single female friend that is always in your business…because she can never seem to find and keep any of her own? Fed up with the thirsty population of social media and their everlasting pursuit to flirt with bae?!
Then BOUNDARIES might be for you!!
Boundary – a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.
Here’s the thing with boundaries…they’re going to be different with every couple…and you can save yourself from 101 arguments (at least) by taking time to draw lines between what is “Appropriate” and “Inappropriate” in your relationship. Boundaries will stem from communication (told y’all it was going to trickle down) and unfortunately you cannot expect your counter part to read your mind if you haven’t addressed the lines that should not be crossed…here are a few examples of areas that you might need to place some restrictions on…
- Social Media
- Phone Privacy/Access
Although we know that family and friends mainly have our best interest at heart, it is important not to allow them to interfere too deeply into your relationship. One thing I feel that we over look a lot is the fact that OUR BUSINESS is just that…OUR BUSINESS. You do not have to answer to or please anyone other than the person that you’ve chosen to spend your life with…so with that being said there are certain lines that have to be drawn, for everyone. && if you notice any inkling that someone in your life has a lack of respect for bae then it is your sole responsibility to either check them or show them the door. IT. IS. THAT. SIMPLE. As far as Social media and phone behaviors go, that should be a no brainer. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So if you don’t want your man sending DM’s to other females asking if they single or your girl taking half naked “thirst trap” pictures for all the cyber world to see…then make sure you’re doing like Mike said and start with the (wo)man in the mirror…or end up looking like…
As far as phone privacy goes, I think this topic is a bit more couple specific. If y’all like your privacy then fine…If you want to share your passwords that’s cool too. Just do what works best for the two of you and remember that it is important to be on the same page when it comes to boundaries…don’t be somewhere in chapter 3 and bae is left back on page 8.
Jumping The Gun
When you’re in a new relationship and that “New Love Syndrome” kicks in, it is extremely easy to get lost in the moment. You want to talk to them every day, see them every day, && you miss them like crazy when they’re away…
…and to more seasoned couples it’s all very nauseating lol…but we understand because most of us have been there. Every thing just feels so right…”So why not spend ALL of our time together? Why not move in together? I’ve known him 2 1/2 months and we’re crazy about each other?” You are literally more in love than Mayweather, when he catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror…&& all of FB, Instagram, and Twitter knows it…
THEN…it happens…reality sets in and you start to notice all the little quirks and annoyances that you were too Drunk In Love to pick up on before…he can be super annoying when you’re not in the mood, she is ridiculously clingy, or you realize your goals and life directions are anything but in sync. ALL things you could have noticed if you would just TAKE YOUR TIMEEEE.
One of the biggest issues I feel like we have as a generation is the fear of starting over. I mean, yeah it sucks…you were a year or more in and felt like it was wasted time. Well, do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening in the future. Take it slow, ask the right questions in the beginning (i.e. How many kids do you want? Do you want kids? How do you feel about religion? Marriage?), and allow yourself time to really look at your situation before your heart gets you in over your head. But don’t be afraid to move on with your life…starting over is far better than dooming yourself to spend your life miserable with the WRONG one.
Let’s not pretend like we haven’t all had our share of insecure moments. That’s life…at some point we have all looked in the mirror and felt that in some way we weren’t good enough or negatively compared ourselves to others. Then we go and seek validation from friends, lovers, and even strangers that do nothing for us but hit the “like” button on your latest IG post…short term gratification at its finest. But what’s even worse is when insecurities are carried over into your relationship. Mannnnnnnn…there is nothing worse than someone who is constantly questioning their own worth, value, or is always in need of some form of validation.
If you don’t feel that you’re good enough to be with someone who loves and respects you, than how can you expect anyone else to? Here are a few characteristics of an insecure lover…
- They accuse of cheating
- They are Jealous/Possessive
- They put you down
- They are Co-Dependent
Misery loves company and an insecure person will constantly try to make you feel like you’re the problem. But if you are showing them love, respect, honesty, and being completely trustworthy then your plus one has no legitimate reason to exhibit any of these behaviors. If you’re in a good relationship and find yourself partaking in the above list of “No No’s” than you need to CHECK YOURSELF. Because as the saying goes “You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone” and losing someone is pretty easy when you’re constantly reminding bae of why you don’t deserve them. Have confidence in who you are and what you’re worth. And if you have a legitimate reason to feel insecure in your relationship than it’s your job to be expressive about what bothers you…and if they are too prideful to take action and work together to fix the relationship than MOVE ON! Which brings me to the last speed bump on our list…
Have you ever met a person who can never be wrong? (p.s. I’m guilty as O.J on this one…) Or someone who refuses to apologize even when they know they are at fault? A wise person (idk who, so don’t ask) once said “After Pride comes the fall“…truer words hath not been spoken…ESPECIALLY…when your relationship is at stake.
When you love someone…not infatuation…but real unconditional love…you have to learn that you cannot always have it your way. There will be times where their needs will supersede your own or when you have to bite the bullet and be the first to apologize even if you feel you were right. In a relationship a woman has to have security. Which means our mans arms need to be a place of comfort and refuge.
If a woman has repeatedly explained to her man that a certain situation is bothering her..or she feels uncomfortable with the way an issue is being handled, it is her mans responsibility to make sure she feels heard and reassured. But if he hears her and for selfish reasons refuses to change, he has unconsciously told her that her heart is not secure, in his keeping.
We need to feel physically and emotionally safe with you and if a man is constantly pushing her feelings to the side and putting his needs (aka pride) before her own, he will lose her respect…which is the one thing that a man absolutely NEEDS in a relationship. He needs to feel like the KING of his domain and that her admiration for him is infinite. A lot of strong woman have a hard time putting their pride to the side and allowing their men to lead…
If a woman is constantly putting her man down (whether privately or publicly) and continuously harping on his negatives…INSTEAD of helping to build him up, by focusing on his positives…she is planting seeds of resentment in him, towards her.
Men need to know that their presence in our lives is a necessity and if you’re are a woman who is too proud to admit how much she needs her man OR is always out to prove that she can do it on her own, prepare yourself. Because after a while you will most definitely be doing whatever “IT” is by your very lonesome.
Pride can without a doubt be one of the more difficult speed bumps to over come…mainly because it deals with self awareness and coming to terms with the fact that you’re not always going to be right and that you can’t always come first. But one of the most amazing things about finding true love is that it changes you…it helps you completely evolve from the man or woman that you were, into the man or woman that you need to be, for that person. It’s amazing to say the least…
As long as you are working daily to achieve better communication, complete understanding of your boundaries, getting a grip on insecurities, checking your pride, and being careful not to move too fast you will be fine. Be attentive in your relationship and don’t fear the hard conversations…because in the end the outcome of hard times is what determines the good times.
Be sure to share with anyone that you feel could benefit from this. && Don’t forget to subscribe, like, share, and comment if you have ideas for “Speed bumps” you would like to see me write on in a follow up post.