Everyone has that one friend who cannot seem to get her love life together. She’s normally the friend who falls too deep, too fast, and too often…or the friend that is in sweet denial about the daily train wreck she calls a relationship. So before I really get into the actual point I thought it best to introduce our friends and their uniquely unfortunate situations…
She is the friend that cannot come to grips with the reality that her “situationship” is not the euphoria she has created in her head. She is dead set on being that ride-or-die chick. The Bonnie to a Clyde who more than likely doesn’t even have a car for her to RIDE in. How do you “ride” for a dude who walks every where?! (I need a real answer to that question but we will come back to that). She dates the guy with potential. We all know him. He’s the guy who is actually pretty smart but doesn’t apply it. His issues range from cheating, habitual lying, or he is going through that time in his life where he is “between” jobs and/or cars. HA! It doesn’t matter how much you tell Denial he is not the one she genuinely believes that her love will change him and when it does she is in for a long life of perpetual bliss…
This one is my favorite. The reason I say that is because I am 75% caring and 25% petty…so while I am giving wisdom 3/4’s of the time the other quarter is internally tickled at the way she deludes herself. The Rationalizer is the friend that has 99 excuses and a good man ain’t one! She is different from your girl Denial in the way that she can admit that her man isn’t the pillar of chivalry BUT (and that’s a big but) home girl has a plethora of excuses as to why. The biggest thing that gets me is she can just have finished a rant about him and IMMEDIATELY go back on everything she just said by…You guessed it…making excuses for why he can’t EVER get his life together….I.E. “I can’t stand him! He is lazy and stays spending our bill money on liquor and going clubbing with his stupid friends…but his grandma did just die three years ago and he is slick going through a really hard time right now.” WAYMENT…how did you just talk yourself in and out of him being worthless in less than 10 seconds? Girlll, bye!!!
The Social Media Monger
You may not be friends with the Social Media Monger but everybody knows her. She is the girl forever crying for a cyber psychologist to rescue her from relationship purgatory or for a few likes and some sympathy. She hangs out on Facebook, Instagram, and twitter etc. posting pics of lions w/ power couple quotes and cutesy pics of them feeding each other ice cream or whatever…Fast forward two days later she’s undermining any integrity that their relationship held by posting a series of subliminal memes and quote pics that are clearly directed at their latest quarrel. Worst case scenario is following the SUPER Social Media Monger…she is the over achiever of this class and will not hesitate to flood your TL w/ 25 posts that all mean the same thing “I AM DATING A TIRED EXCUSE FOR A MAN”…fast forward Three days later…”Oh, would you look at that, a picture of him proposing at Chik-fil-A.” It’s nerve wracking at best and I end up un following her wishy washy behind like…”It’s not you….”
And then we have…
The Scarecrow is that friend that is not in a bad relationship but somehow manages to chase good men away.
This friend is different from all the others because she is genuinely longing for a healthy relationship. The major issue here is that she is so used to dating jerks, that when chivalry arrives in the form of a gentleman the interaction feels unnatural and she retreats faster than Jay-Z about to walk on an elevator with Solange. This can be the most frustrating case because as much as you want to see your friend happy you fear it may never happen…mainly because she can’t let her guard down long enough to allow the RIGHT guy to show her what it is to be treated like a queen. So, of course she goes back to good ole faithful and starts devoting her time and energy to someone who will never be on the level she desires. It’s a really sad cycle and unfortunately really hard to get out of.
The Baby Momma Monster
Y’all I had to take a days break just to come back and deal with this one. There are two phases of the Baby
Both Phases are made up of women who normally had a baby with a man, who they were more than likely NEVER in a relationship with. Phase 1: She starts out happy, planning their wedding in her mind, buying him and the baby matching Jay’s, and she will even pay homeboy bills (out of hopes that she can get enlisted in the wifey program)…but as soon as baby girl finds out he ain’t checking for her…Lawd!
Phase 2: Begins after she has gone certifiably insane and has made the decision that if “I can’t have him, NO ONE WILL!” She is a combination of Denial, The Rationalizer, & The Social Media Monger. Poor thing did NOT get enough hugs as a child and will devote every fiber of her being to see that baby daddy never lives in peace. This is the friend that you CANNOT help. I repeat…you cannot help this girl! She is too far gone and may end up on an episode of snapped if she doesn’t get help from the Lordt, IMMEDIATELY. This is probably the only “situationship” where I genuinely feel bad for the man. ‘Cause if I were him I would be looking over my shoulder (every where I went), changing my number thrice a week, and going home daily to sit in fetal position, in a corner like…
And there you have it. I only listed a few of The Many Stages of Situationships but you get the point. We have all either been here or wiped the tears of a friend who has. I am slick a recovering Social Media Monger myself and still have to attend the AA meetings twice a month.
Which one are you?? Do you have a friend that should read this post?!
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Until next time…